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New pill developed to deal with being unemployed

By Steve on December 31, 2009 11:39 AM | 10 Comments

PRESS RELEASE

New pill developed to deal with being unemployed!

Finally the health care industry has developed a pill that will really help the economy. It is a pill that helps people deal with being umemployed and will actually, if taken according to directions, get the patient a job !

Early trials were very successful on monkeys and dogs who had been unemployed for an average of 6-12 months. Human patients in the study who took the medication 3 times a day, got more interviews than those who were given a placebo.

The actual "hired" statistics among the animals tested were inconclusive due to disagreements on what it actually means for a monkey or a dog to be gainfully employed.The statistics on the dogs were promising at first due to the fact that a typical dog job of fetching newspapers, barking at people walking past the house and providing companionship to owners, are very measurable. Still being analyzed is an abnormally high attrition rate and failure to complete probationary periods for all who participated, both human and animal. This statistic was very severe with the monkeys who actually worked an average of 16 days before quitting. Further evaluation will hopefully determine if the medication caused the high turnover rate among the monkeys or if it is just a normal variance because those tested were, in fact, primates. The dogs seemed very interested at first but seemed to lose interest in the jobs after a very short period of time, despite increased dosages of the medication. They seemed to revert back to the typical dog behavior of eating, sleeping, barking and humping the kids.

These "difficult to interpret" test observations resulted in most of the animal tests being thrown out. NOTE...the rat scores were immediately discarded because the rats were either just totally uncooperative as test subjects, or they died, neither of which made them a viable source of data.

The human results certainly proved valuable though and passed the trials with a normal amount of side effects. Among the side effects experienced were; sleeplessness, hysteria, psychosis, perversion, abnormal number of trips to the dry cleaner, a feeling that their left foot actually was a German aircraft, skin rashes especially on the private parts, excessive word processing with irregular fonts, moist palms, thoughts of owning Mick Jagger's wardrobe, bizarre and vivid dreams of being a " Lord Voldemort " type character, desire to kill the mailman, desire to simultaneously be and assassinate the King of Zamunda, violent reactions to people with nose hair, thoughts of suicide, actual suicide, thoughts of bleeding ulcers, actual bleeding ulcers, mayhem, irrational exuberance, irrational pessimism, irrational glee, uncontrollable urges to hurt everything, fear of eyebrows, genocidal tendencies, desire to be famous for mass murder, desire to be murdered, desire to cause pain, unemployment, bankruptcy, irrational desires to detonate nuclear weapons, felonious activities (seasonal), Thelonious Monk (an actual disease), claustrophobia, burping through the ears, cancer, inability to create a powerpoint presentation , constipation or diarreah and general crankiness about the emotional side effects of unemployment while secretly not actually wanting to work , aggravated by constipation. A few other more bizarre side effects (thought to be from different drugs still flaring up from previous trials ) were also present in some volunteers. A few random deaths occurred, no big surprise, just too insignificant to mention as part of the clinical trials.

Because the overall side effects for this type of drug are considered "normal, " doctors will be prescribing this medication for just about everything.

The medical profession, heavily threatened by the drug industry and psychiatric henchmen, unanimously agreed today at a press conference that if the entire populace got on a regular regimen of this drug, that all of their goals for humanity could be easily achieved ahead of schedule.

Those of us in the employment business are thrilled to hear that we have yet another solution to the lack of work, and while we personally would not take this pill for all the tea in China, it is yet another giant step in the direction that mankind seems to be going.

Humor For Employers...Hidden reasons NOT to hire

By Steve on August 10, 2009 11:54 AM | 1 Comment

Electronic Search, Inc.'s definitive directory of reasons NOT to hire:

Candidate is almost dead or actually dead
When you ask the candidate what happened at their last job, they don't remember
When you schedule the drug test, the candidate informs you that in 5 minutes he is leaving on a 3 week vacation but would be happy to take the test as soon as he returns
Candidate smells like garbage dump or dead bird
The candidate says his only reference is his twin brother who lives in Siberia. All other past references were killed in the Civil War
Before and after answering a question, candidate says "dude" or "dude-skee"
When you ask a computer programmer what languages he knows, he says "all of 'em"
You ask a question and the candidate gives you a perfect answer, but the answer is to a different question. You ask again and he says "yup"
You ask the candidate to clarify when they went to college and they ask to see a copy of their resume so they can check
Candidate comes to interview with a 3-day beard, says his name is Robert, but you can call him "Spike." Only employer listed as "CIRKUS"
Candidate says he will do daily commute from Greenland to South Africa

We hope these pointers will help to fully educate all of our staffing friends, as the challenges of turning away good candidates in these trying times become trickier.

Stay tuned for other hints and suggestions from the friendly folks at Electronic Search, Inc.

If you would like to find out more about Electronic Search's unique approach to solving tough staffing problems in an industry that can only be described as "nutty," please give me a call.

Steve Eddington

Press Release...ESI Enters Outsourcing Agreement

By Steve on July 27, 2009 1:04 PM | 9 Comments

PRESS RELEASE

Electronic Search, Inc. enters outsourcing agreement with local retirement community

In a business move that can only be called dazzling, Steve Eddington, President of Electronic Search, a Rolling Meadows based Staffing company, has announced that they have entered into an outsourcing agreement with Prairie Outsourcing to handle all resume reading.

"It's really a time saver," said Eddington of the service agreement with Prairie.

"We usually spend the biggest part of the day reading and interpreting resumes, but now that this is outsourced to a group of people with nothing but outsourcing on their minds, we are free to perform other core functions, like outsourcing the phone work and flagging unwanted emails having to do with resumes."

"One of the real barriers to getting things done is reading resumes," said Carl Shoe, a senior recruiter at ESI and also a Republican.

"It is one of the things I like the least and it can become quite a distraction when things get busy. Now with Prairie handling the resume reading, I no longer have the time crunch and the piles and piles of resumes to wade through. We just forward them over to Prairie and forget about it until they give us our quarterly report."

"This is going to be a really good deal for us," said Elmer Fueffel, one of the Prairie Outsource employees.

"In our first meeting with ESI, it was very clear that they could streamline their operations with our help. We quickly zoomed in on the major area that screamed outsourcing! and it was the area of resume reading. We typically look for areas where a potential customer is weak, and we hit paydirt with ESI. They will now be free to really buckle down on the things they do best, whatever that may be."

"I feel fortunate that the Prairie contract got inked before the end of the Chinese Newyear," said Eddington. "We had over 100,000 resumes in the files that we couldn't get around to reading and we were getting tired of telling folks that we hadn't read the resume yet. Now with Prairie on board, we can say with confidence that the resume HAS BEEN READ. This is a big credibility booster and really takes the load off. Now we are free to do the real core tasks that recruiters should be doing. The outsourcing trend has really taken hold in businesses and I look forward to outsourcing lots of other areas. Pretty soon, we could live in a world where even the most common tasks are outsourced. The result of this could be tremendously freeing, and quite dramatic for businesses everywhere."

"When it's not your core competency, you just should not be doing it," added Al Bunn, the General Manager at ESI. It all boils down to people doing what they do best and not doing the things that others can do better or more efficiently than them. With the recruiters freed up from the resume grind, I see a whole slew of other tasks getting taken care of, and maybe some day soon, those things could get outsourced as well! Who knows where this could take us!"

Bill Bowser, another senior recruiter at ESI commented, "I can forsee a future in this business where literally everything is outsourced. When that happens, I think I will just have the greatest job in the world!"

When the rest of the world realizes that literally every task imaginable is probably best done by someone else, there will truly be a new world in the making.

Please watch for future articles on this subject, which will hopefully be penned by someone else.

Steve Eddington

President for now

Electronic Search, Inc

Top 10 Ways to Not Become Sick in the Workplace

By Steve on July 18, 2009 4:26 PM | 3 Comments

Top 10 Ways to Not Become Sick in the Workplace

10) When you go in the office kitchen and see a box of doughnuts, do not eat more than 6 of them at a time.

9) Don't touch yourself

8) Don't touch your boss

7) Don't touch your secretary

6) Wash your hands vigorously after each time that you touch anything but absolutely don't touch anything in the bathroom.

5) Wash your hands vigorously after each time that you touch any person

4) If you happen to be around anyone who is sick, stop breathing until they are at least 50 feet away. If they don't go away, run as fast as you can to a safe place, don't touch yourself, or anyone or anything else and if you screw up and do touch anything, wash your hands vigorously for 2 minutes, making sure that you do not touch the bathroom door or a faucet. If you do happen to touch the bathroom door or faucet, return immediately to the bathroom and repeat the process. Note...if any co-worker is missing for longer than 20 minutes, check the bathroom as they may be having difficulty with this procedure.

3) Don't drink the water, especially bottled water since it all contains pond scum. It is OK to drink any liquid immediately after it has been boiled.

2) Instead of shaking hands, develop the habit of a simple salute (as in the Navy) or a bow, or wear disposable rubber gloves when shaking hands. Note.., do NOT leave the gloves laying around after they have been exposed. If you accidently screw up on this point, go to step 4 above.

1) Stay home and stringently follow the 10 ways to not become sick in the home.